0flauta0

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 01:50:09 GMT

I'm quitting.
ive basically lost everything that i looked forward to and lived for by coming to this school.
playing the flute now makes me want to commit suicide...and this isnt even a joke.
who knows what the hell im going to end up doing.
something worthless and stupid that i wont like probably.
welcome to being another stupid statistic.
my life is a joke.

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 04:50:35 GMT

yup.still sucking...haha.
transferring most definately.
gonna have to drop the major for a while, but if it gets me away from uconn i really dont care.

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 20:21:58 GMT

Not doing well at all. still.

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 03:50:30 GMT

I actually feel a lot better today.
sorry for yesterday's post.

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 19:00:29 GMT

its been a month. ive made no progress. i still sound like i did sophmore year of highschool. i sounded so fantastic before i got here.

i suck at everything.
i suck academically
i suck at flute playing
i suck socially

im going to the dentist because my gum disease is getting worse. which is disgusting.
and im positive my teeth have shifted.
there's no other explanation for why it sounds so shitty and it keeps sounding shitty even though ive been incessantly working on tone for a month. after camp it only took a couple days to fix myself.
and i know its not just because my ears are more acute becuase i cant do stuff that i could do two months ago. i just cant do it.
i.suck.
im never going to indiana.

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 01:40:57 GMT

I still sound awful.

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 03:52:07 GMT

So.
I've been playing quite awfully lately, which is extremely frustrating because before I got here I was sounding exaclty how I wanted to sound and I planned on just making progres from there. But then preseason for marching band came and was over just in time for seating auditions for ensembles. Lovely. That part doesn't really matter, though. It just bothers me that everyone thinks this is my best when it is nowhere near what I've played like in the past. I've completely lost my ease of playing in every aspect, tone, articulation, extremeties of all sorts. Oh well. I just have to keep working hard and most importantly, trust what Dr. Hopkins has to say. I bought Dick's extended technique book and a bunch of other standard tone development books and some literature on tone. Hopefully there will be something in these that will make a lightbulb go off. I've been making countless trips to the library to read all the flute magazines and journals and taking out cds and music and books. Right now im reading Quantz's On Playing the Flute, which is somewhat depressing, but interesting nonetheless.
The more I read on the internet and the more I talk to people, the more I realize that this problem is not specific to me, which makes it easier for me to rest at night because almost nothing depresses me more than when I play the flute badly continuously. I have been so stressed out lately and the only way to move past this hump is to relax and realize that if I just keep plugging along it is impossible for the problem not to fix itself, especially with good instruction. and I think I do have good instruction. In my last lesson Dr. Hopkins became so animated when I did what she wanted correctly and it's so inspiring to have a teacher who truly gets excited over your progress.
I am going to work my butt off this year and then try and transfer to Indiana.
Oh my dream...

Well aaaanyways, I absolutely LOVE all the girls in the studio. There are so many freshmen this year, but we all get along sooooo well. I couldn't imagine there ever being any drama...none involving the flute anyway.

and in closing...I really love the flute.
I think that's the one thing that saves me every time. I am just really in love with the flute and music in general. Even when I am frustrated and angry I still love the flute and music still bathes my soul in awesome. At this point I can see why so many people quit this major, but I am not going to.

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 21:22:16 GMT

I ordered
La Flute De Pan
Variations on a Theme by Rossini
the Faure Sonata
Baxtresser Orchestral Excerpts
Taffanal and Gaubert
and Music by French Composers
Making good use of my debit card...
It's alright, though, because I got a 500 dollar music scholarship so I figured I would use it on music!
I can't wait to get this package in the mail.
oh and hooray for 10% discount on fluteworld!

All is well with the flute for me. I think i was overreacting a bit before because i got back on track within a few days.

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 18:20:47 GMT

Goal- Back to normal flute playing by first rehearsal for the pops concert
I have two weeks.

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 17:49:14 GMT

The more I practice, the more nervous I get. I've been practicing incessantly since I got back from camp, but honestly I find it painful and frustrating because all the confidence I had in my playing and all the feelings that i was so close to mastery of a certain area of sound are completely wiped. It feels like I have retrogressed back to last year and it really really scares me because now im spending all of my time on rebuilding my tone and I feel like it's not even coming close to what it was before. How could so much skill be lost in one week? I feel like a complete novice. I was looking forward to pure progress this summer. I was looking forward to getting into the wind ensemble at school. Now I feel like progress can't even happen because I'm really rebuilding from the bottom. How terrible. I'm at a loss...I felt so on top before...now I don't know what to do.

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 01:44:06 GMT

I was number one audition at the music camp I go to this year, so I got to choose between being principal in the orchestra or principal in the band. I chose the band and I'm really glad I did. We played some very challenging music and I had a bunch of solos. I cried so much when camp was over...it's so much more than music, I don't even think I could describe it on here.
I got the Prokofiev sonata and I'm ordering the Faure sonata and hopefully a lot of other music since I've started a debit account solely for sheet music and music school expensses. I have something around 750 dollars on it currently. It won't last long..haha.

Fri, 11 May 2007 21:10:56 GMT

And so the musical season has begun yet again!
Cinderella is...not great.
The people in it are great and most of the singers are pretty good...but the show itself is so lacking in any substance.
I also think i mess up a little more every night. haha.
The concerto is coming along alright...I just get really nervous and my tone goes downhill. This is something i absolutely must overcome. No more nerves!

This is unrelated but it sounds like there is a plane crashing in my town. hm...

Wed, 02 May 2007 18:44:52 GMT

Today I found out that the symphony offers a 3 thousand dollar scholarship to a graduating senior every year. Since I am the only highschool senior in the entire ensemble and I am a concerto soloist with them...I don't know who else could win it.

Yesterday I got a letter saying I got 2 grand from the Capitol Scholarship Program
and today I found out I won the 10 thousand dollar Dick's Restaraunt Scholarship

Jazz band sounded fantastic last night. I think we will do really well at the competition on friday.

I have a new resolve to reach my musical goals.
I will.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 00:38:06 GMT

The Boston trip went fairly well.

I still feel kindof bad saying im disappointed in the chamber choir, but I really am. If we had performed like we did in rehearsal we would have gotten a superior and we would have taken first place. We got second with an excellent. Not bad, but not our potential.

The orchestra, however, won first place and best overall orchestra. They've got two for two. They did the same at Virginia.

The only thing wrong with the trip was that I wasn't able to practice flute...which I'm going to do now. = )
I sat there during the orchestra's clinic just wishing i was playing my instrument.
I love it.
There is absolutely nothing else i want to do.

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 22:19:09 GMT

I sound really good today. I love these days.
I sightread the third and fourth pages of the Griffes Poem.
which means I have to be getting better at sight reading.

Also...my friend Phil and I are going to go to Boston every other weekend. Him to visit his girlfriend and me to take lessons. It works out pretty nicely...as long as they continue dating.

I'm going to practice ridiculously hard all summer to see if i can get into the wind ensemble at UCONN as a freshmen. I've heard it's possible so i want to do it.

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 19:15:56 GMT

I got six hours in yesterday.
I am pleased.

I decided that I want to learn ~~three~~ four new pieces
-Syrinx- Yes, it's cliche...but hey, I like it.
-Variations on a theme by Rossini- Chopin (I have no idea if this is actually the name of the piece, but I have a recording of Rampal doing it. I remember the first time i heard it about two years go I was completely in the dark about the flute. I had obviously not heard any professional flutists...or hadn't really paid attention when i did because I didn't know it could sound that way. It was basically an awakening to me. That's when i decided i really wanted to play the flute...so i guess even though I've been technically playing since fourth grade...I've only really been playing for two years, which makes things a little more difficult for me, but that's alright because awakening to it is much better than being forced into it.)
-Suite for Flute and Jazz Piano- I ADORE this piece. The one for cello is even better...I wish i could play cello just to play that piece...and im suureee I could find a pianist to play it with me in college.
---------
edit
---------
-La Flute De Pan!

Lesson today.

(oh and if you were wondering...this is my music only journal.)

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 18:38:21 GMT

Society is so restrictive and unfair and it's funny because the reason it's that way is because everyone is so worried about promoting equality and being politically correct.

Anyway...

I have not been practicing as much as I should be lately. I need at least four hours to call my time satisfactory and for the past couple of weeks I've only been putting in ...some days two. That's really not going to cut it anymore. I have to work a lot harder if I want to make it.

I also decided that I'm going to get a job and work as much as I can this summer...aka work would replace school time, so that i can pay for outside lessons while I'm going to UCONN. I need to start getting in touch with accomplished flutists in the Boston area, or anywhere around here, really. I'm also going to continue with my current teacher because we get along fabulously and I wouldn't even be able to dream of continuing music in this way without him. I feel as though there is still so much to learn from him.

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 03:09:03 GMT

So I officially got rejected from the Jacob's school of music at Indiana University. It wasn't a surprise really, but the thing that stinks the most is that now I have to go to UCONN. I know that it's not that bad of a school and I'll have tons of fun there and meet a lot of new and awesome people, but honestly...it's a handicap. The music school is not great at all.

Well I always say things happen for a reason. I might look to transfer out of UCONN after freshman year, but why did i end up having to go there in the first place? I'm like Naopleon...I know there's success inside of me. I know it's in the field of music...so why would I get dumped into his outstandingly mediocre program? I'm not going to sit around and feel bad about the fact that I wasn't good enough to make it past the Jacobs audition because that is counterpoductive to my musical growth. I need to get down to the core and get some work done. I'm far behind in the game and although i have talent, others have more talent and have had many more years to put into it than I have. There is no time for me to waste feeling badly about my current skill level...the only thing I can do is shut up and get better.

But the only question is, is should i transfer? I feel as though there must be a reason for UCONN being in the picture. Is it merely to make me appreciate things i wouldn't otherwise? because there's no way I'm letting my freshman year of college be the pits just because of this. I'm going to find all the fun there and have it...or make it.

Well in other news

My solo debut with the symphony is on May 19th.
Mozart's Conerto in G Major.
What Flutist wouldn't be excited?